Self insertions of the female kind
by Amerikus
Summary: I hate MarySues. Self insertions are the worst. They have the perfect skin, eyes, hair, perfect everything. They are beautiful. They are friendly. They donate to the RSPCA. Worst of all, they are here to stay.
1. Classic Romance

My self-insertion. Enjoy. I wanted to call her Antarctica, because hey, you know how landmasses get left out in the name game. Imagine calling your kid British-Isles. But no, I had to make this a proper self-insertion. All self- insertions are Romance. Trust me.  
  
Chapter one: Self-insertions of the ic Romance kind  
  
"Hi." A girl with very long shiny blonde hair and sea blue eyes and long blue nails and long long legs and very large breasts and a very skinny middle said.  
  
"Hi." Harry Potter said. They were on the train to go to Hogwarts, and they were all alone. Because Harry Potter's friends suddenly decided to leave him for reasons undisclosed. "What's your name?"  
  
"Amerikus..." She said. "But my friends call me Merika."  
  
"Hi Merika." Harry said. Amerikus smiled. "So, why are you at Hogwarts?"  
  
"I transferred from America." Amerikus said. "I transferred with Hermione Granger. Do you know her?"  
  
"Yes, she's some girl who talked to me once..." Harry said. He wasn't really listening, as his eyes were fixed on her massive tits. Even though Harry Potter has never shown interest in women as objects before, Amerikus is prime for this. "So Hermione's in America?"  
  
"Yep," Amerikus said. "She'll be there until we fall in love, then we can have a romantic goodbye and I'll visit on weekends."  
  
"Sounds great" Harry said. "Count me in."  
  
Yeah, it's short, but I hate even writing about these pieces of crap. Next stop: HORROR! 


	2. Horror

SELF-INSERTION: HORROR  
  
"I have an announcement to make;" Dumbledore said. "Professor Trelawney's daughter will be coming to the school..."  
  
Antarctica was a normal girl. Except for the fact she sees visions.  
  
Antarctica came back from a night out at Hogsmeade, and fell asleep on the couches in the common room. She had the strangest dream, she was walking along the corridors, she didn't know where she was... but she came upon a boy. He smiled at her, but his smiled quickly faded when she pulled out a knife from her robes and STABBED HIM. Yeah, for all you that can't read, get someone to read this for you, cos she STABBED HIM.  
  
Then the next morning Dumbledore made an announcement that the dude FROM HER DREAM WAS DEAD! AAAAAAAAARGH! PANIC IN THE STREETS! HE WAS STABBED! AAAAAAAAAARGH! EVEN MORE PANIC IN THE STREETS!  
  
Anyway, she keeps on having dreams and stabbing people. They die. Then, She almost stabs Harry, but stops herself before it's too late, then they all realise it's really her SUBCONSCIOUS killing people, powered by TRELAWNEY HERSELF! WHAT AN EVIL BITCH! So Trelawney gets fired, and Antarctica is free from her serial-killing ways, and she gets together with Harry.  
  
Couldn't see that one coming.  
  
Stay tuned for the next instalment: ANGST!  
  
P.S. See I made this chick a landmass? Antarctica Trelawney. What a great name. 


	3. Angst

My personal fave... an ANGST SELF-INSERTION FIC!  
  
This one is... a bit more well written than the other two. Blame my stupid need for having stuff perfect =) Oh and I'd just like to say that I'm not going to have any normal Mary-Sue names like Ellen, Jane or Sarah. They will either be landmasses, foods, objects, animals, or plants.  
  
Earthworm ran. She didn't know where, but she had to run away. Somewhere. Anywhere away from here. Turkey hadn't been at home, and he had left her alone with Cheese-man again. Earthworm hated Cheese-man. Turkey was the only one she had left. Her parents had died, more accurately, had been murdered, when she was seven and Turkey was eighteen. No one really cared much. But they got to talking. Whatever happened to that poor little DeJour girl. No one had caught sight of her for nine years, since her parents had died. People said she killed them. Others said Turkey did it. Some people even said Cheese-man did it. Who gives a flying banana? It's obvious VOLDEMORT did it. Duh. Or we wouldn't have a story now would we.  
  
The last time Turkey left Earthworm alone with Cheese-man, trouble occurred.  
  
"Nice tits," He yelled to the sixteen-year-old. She put her head down and rushed out of the room, only to find Turkey going out the door.  
  
"Don't go, please," She whispered to him.  
  
"Don't be a baby, Earth." Turkey said, ruffling her hair. He hadn't heard Cheese-man's outburst, probably because of the long three metres between them. "Cheese-man's here to look after you, anyway. I'll only be gone half an hour at the most."  
  
"I'll look after you," Cheese-man grinned evilly and patted her on the head. Directly in Turkey's line of vision, he put his other hand around Earthworm's butt and she flinched. "Bye, bye, Turkey." He waved at the retreating car. "Now we can have some fun."  
  
Although at twenty-seven years old, eleven years her senior, Cheese-man never tired of making comments and touching Earthworm whenever Turkey wasn't looking. Well, even when Turkey WAS looking, but he didn't seem to notice, or pay special attention. She hated him for it, but never told Turkey. She didn't want him to think she was weak, or worse, not believe her, think she was just trying to discredit his best friend, and chuck her out of the house. If she didn't live here she had nowhere else to go. Have a cry.  
  
"Please... just leave me be." She said, trying to run up the stairs, but he grabbed the end of her long chocolate ponytail and pulled her backwards, down to the ground where she cracked her head on the cement floor. Her head swimming, she passed out just as she saw Cheese-man fumbling with his silver belt buckle. (Dude rank)  
  
When she came to, she was underneath her bedclothes, but she was fully naked. She sat up quickly, trying to remember what happened, but her head swam and she was violently sick all over her blanket. Turkey entered the room.  
  
"Cheese-man says you hit your head." Turkey said, holding a glass of water. "You hurled all over your clothes... he put you to bed."  
  
The pain between Earthworm's legs told her this was not the case, but she said nothing. "Is he here now."  
  
Turkey shook his head. "No. He'll come over tonight though. We're grabbin' a couple beers and watching the game."  
  
Earthworm sighed. Another night of torture.  
  
That night rolled around, and, lo and behold, they ran out of beer and chips. "I'll get some more." Turkey offered, grabbing the keys to his old Camira.  
  
"Thanks mate," Cheese-man said, eyeing Earthworm.  
  
But she didn't give Cheese-man a chance to come within two metres of her this time. As soon as Turkey left the room, she ran out of the house. Cheese-man pulled her back in though, waving to Turkey. The knife at her back told her to do the same... or suffer the consequences. But as soon as Turkey was out of sight, she span around and kicked Cheese-man in the face. He fell back, his nose bleeding.  
  
"I'll get you for this, little bitch!" He yelled as she turned tail and fled.  
  
She had been running for around half an hour... longer than normal but not long enough to be away from Vile Cheese-man. She heard a car pull up beside her. --Please let it not be Cheese-man, please...-- But it was Turkey, and he looked really angry.  
  
"I just came home and found out you smashed Cheese-man's fucking face in!" He yelled. "What is with you?"  
  
"He..." Earthworm said. "He raped me, alright? Then he was GONNA again but I smashed him and ran awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...." Earthworm elongated the 'A' for approximately three days.  
  
Turkey fell asleep. When Earthworm had finished with her elongation, she realised he had fallen asleep. She poked him.  
  
"Huh?" Turkey said. Earthworm repeated what she had said, leaving out the elongation. "That assrapist! I'm gonna kill the mofo!"  
  
"No, Turkey, it wasn't his fault..." Earthworm said. Even though she hated Cheese-man, she couldn't bear to have another human being die on her account. (See here where the Mary-Sue-ness comes through?) "Just never talk to him again. That will be fine by me."  
  
It was in this moment Turkey saw Earthworm as not a burden he had to care for, not a small child, but as a beautiful woman, who knew what she wanted and needed and wasn't afraid to ask for it. Oh my god I think I shall burn my fingers like Richard from survivor because I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence.  
  
"Ok." He said softly. "Walk home, Cheese-man might get violent."  
  
And he did a 180° turn and sped off towards their house. Earthworm walked slowly back the way she came. It would take longer this way; she'd be back in about an hour. After about fifteen minutes, she was dimly aware of someone walking behind her. She span around and saw no-one.  
  
"Hi," No-one said. "Sup?"  
  
"Arg." Earthworm said, and continued walking. She heard a second set of footsteps behind her. She span around again, this time seeing no-one AND a tall, pale man, with a hooked nose and greasy black hair. He looked like a paedophile, so Earthworm tried to kick him. He simply caught hold of her foot though, and pulled her over. She had a fleeting memory of hitting her head on concrete sometime previous, (what could THAT be?????) before all was blackness.  
  
-----  
  
"Are you alright?" came a voice from afar. Earthworm opened her eyes. She was in a room full of people in rainbow jumpsuits, all dancing around to the Macarena. It was the man from the street who was talking to her.  
  
"Yeah." She said, sitting up in bed. "Where am I?"  
  
"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hospital Wing, no less, my dear!" said a motherly looking woman, waving a stick at the dancers. They disappeared.  
  
"I think I owe you an explanation, Earthworm." The man said. "Severus Snape at your service. You are a witch, but the trauma of your parents' death hid your true powers for a time, your magical abilities only surfacing tonight. You are the most powerful witch in a thousand years, yada yada yada."  
  
"Oh." Earthworm said.  
  
-----  
  
Skipping along a few chapters... Halloween ball.  
  
-----  
  
Earthworm pulled her blood red satin dress over her hips and tied it using sheer force of mind. She bared her teeth in the mirror and saw long, sharp canines form, and her usually quite tanned complexion turn pale. She was, for this costume ball, a vampiress.  
  
She walked down to the great hall and saw many faces she recognised, many she didn't. She nervously flattened her chocolate coloured hair and looked around for a friendly face. Seeing no one she recognised, she stood there dumbly for a second.  
  
Suddenly Voldemort entered the room.  
  
"I'm here to kill Earthworm!" He yelled. But he didn't. Because Snape jumped in front of his killing curse, but because of some stupid technicality, he doesn't die but gets grievously injured, yada yada yada, then Earthworm kills Voldemort. Then when Snape recovers, him and Earthworm realise their true feelings and do each other in her dormitory, make love in the library, get it on in the greenhouse, and bump the bed against the walls in Snape's bedchamber, you get it. Then, of course, all the staff and students are FINE with paedophilia, and Earthworm ends up pregnant and has a baby, you know the drill.  
  
They called the baby Tomato Sauce. Hey, no one said Snape was THAT ugly to not get laid.  
  
"Uh, no I didn't." No one said.  
  
"Sorry." Amerikus said. "Just a figure of speech." 


	4. Poetry

For reasons undisclosed I will not be parody-ing General, Humour, Suspense, Fantasy, or Spiritual. Those genres suck.

-----

Yeah… I know no one has really been on the edge of his or her seat for this one… POETRY!

Poem no. 1: Pre-Hogwarts

Her hair shone like a glassy lake,

Her eyes were bluer than sapphire.

She lived her days a happy girl,

Never knowing what would transpire.

She transferred from the U.S.A.,

Where nothing much really happened,

But if someone tried to take her man

You'd know that she'd just slap 'em.

She was Miss Popularity,

The chicks wanted to be her.

But the guys, they were different, they only wished

For a minute chance to see her.

But out of her league, they all were,

And didn't they just know it.

Because of this fact, inside they cried,

But outside they'd never dare show it.

All this beauty is of course a curse,

We pity her beautiful face,

Us lucky ones get to go through life

With acne and no grace.

Poem no. 2: On the train

She sits alone staring into space

When the Potter boy sees his love.

She's a total bitch face but

He reckons she's from above.

Ron comes in; he's lovestruck too

He gapes and he stares,

Hermione, the normal one,

Reckons its no fair.

"Why does she get everything?

The look, the charm, the brains?

When I work my butt off here

She's just playing games.

She doesn't really love Ron, or Harry,

Her true desire is that mofo,

That evil bitch, the freakin' tool,

My god! She'll end up with Draco!"

Poem no. 3: The Sorting

She steps up to the podium

The crowd, they do wonder,

Her appearance is so striking

It's like lightning and thunder!

How does she get those curls?

That inhuman double D?

Is she a freak of nature,

To be shunned by society?

Everybody loves her!

How can this be right?

I thought to fit in you had to be same

But for her only there is light.

The glamour of her walk,

She stands out like a thorn,

Between Gryffindor and Slytherin

The sorting hat is torn.

"You have the bravery, it seems,

To be a Gryffindor,

But your ambitiousness makes it that

Slytherin you will adore.

I can't decide! What will I do?

I'll randomly pick Slytherin,

Of course the one you truly love

Is there, the house of sin."

Draco welcomes her,

Makes it clear he's gone for gold,

But she plays hard to get

Because this plot is old as mould.

"Let me show you your bed…

And maybe my bed too."

"But I have to get up early!

Maybe tomorrow, toodle-doo!"

Poem no. 4: The get together

So many wasted chapters

Showing them grow closer

So now they are inseparable

Like Inspector Rex and Moser. (For all you people living under rocks, Inspector Rex is a foreign TV show with a dog called Rex and a police dude called Moser.)

After a moment of lust,

They decide that they're true love

And clinch the deal over one short night

As they fit each other like gloves. (BAD IMAGE!)

Poem no. 5: Happily ever after.

They lived happily ever after. The end.

-----

I'm very sorry to say this will be the last chapter in this series… Yes, it was cut extremely short… but I have a kind of policy not to have more than 2 fics running at the same time, so I don't get overloaded. Stay tuned, for coming soon to Amerikus' user lookup: PAIRINGS FROM A HAT! CHAPTER ONE: SNAPE/MILLICENT! There will also be other madcap pairings, such as Peter/Umbridge and Winky/Charlie. Oh, and let's not forget Harry/Hedwig!


End file.
